I have got a one-day cold, at least I hope it is only that. Four hours of today has been spent half asleep on the sofa. Unfortunately for me we have a pantomime to go to this evening and we are taking three grandchildren. In other words I can’t cancel it. Rose was the first to arrive having been dropped off by our son around five-thirty having first delivered Anna to the other grandparents. Anna is three years old so too young to sit through a panto.
Rose settled down to watch Cbeebies on the television having had her dress and overnight stuff packed in various bags. She was wearing her new shoes, red with kitten heels and with sparkles all over them. We were told that she hasn’t had them off her feet for days, she loves them and I suspect it’s a ‘grown up’ thing, She loves the kitten heels at six years old.
I dragged myself upstairs for a shower and shave trying to ignore the strange pain in my thorax that makes you feel you are going to die soon. Sniffing and coughing my way through the ablutions until I at last appeared presentable. My next test was picking out the best clothes suitable for a children’s evening out. After not much thought the ensemble consisted of pale green jeans, blue suede (yes) shoes, silver slim-line shirt with button down collars and including a jazzy lining to collar and cuffs. The whole finished with a denim jacket with faux fur collar, dah dah!!
I then proceeded to conceal about my person four paper handkerchiefs. Next was some loose change but I settled in the end for eight pound coins as they will be needed to buy a programme and for the bucket collections that are de rigeur at the door when leaving. After musing for several minutes about whether or not to take a wallet I plumped for two tenners as I only needed to cover interval ice creams.
A plan to leave the house at six-forty had been laid down but as usual with females these timings are treated as a guide only yet I pointlessly persist in pointing out that in order to leave the house at six-forty we all need to be ready at at six-thirtyfive. This is given the gravity of the utterances of a fool. So it was that at seven-forty the gathering of the handbags and shoes began and were retrieved from all the farthest corners of the house with such efficiency that only seven minutes later the front door was opened and forward we marched; except that it now looked like it may rain so a return indoors was performed and the removal of shoes done and search for head coverings began. De ja vue. Out of the door we went again and boarded the car. In a matter of minutes we were at house number two to collect two more granddaughters. It went to the strict unspoken rules that govern these things. I wait one minute with the engine running then give up and switch it off, get out and go and knock on the door. We were running ten minutes late but this had made no difference, no one was looking out of the windows nor were they ready. In only another two minutes the door opened and one minute later two granddaughters came out.
Arriving at the car park and parking was completed then we set off for the short slow walk to the theatre. Slow because Rose could only clitter-clatter along in her sparkly, red, kitten heel shoes.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I presented the doorman with our e-tickets fifteen minutes before curtain-up.
Yes, I always allow a ten minute buffer, years of experience my friends.
Time to relax at last. We bought a programme and looked around, said a hello to a few and gave a few waves. Penny handed out small bottles of coke and bags of sweets too.
Soon it was curtain-up and ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ began. This is an amateur theatre company but you can’t tell. Every year we are presented with a well written and well presented stage show. There was perhaps a little too much singing on one or two occasions as one number followed on from the previous one. Children seem to shuffle and lose interest when this happens. Mostly it’s good entertainment with daft jokes, double-entendres and slapstick. The giant was well performed with the actor walking and dancing on two foot high stilts for most of the performance. Some of the fast costume changes go almost unnoticed and consequently unappreciated.
The interval arrived, the curtain came down and the lights went up.

“Who wants and ice cream?” I asked.
“I want a pink tiara” shot back Eleanor.
“A what?”
“A fluffy pink tiara with a pale pink wand,” added Eleanor.
I looked toward the stage and sure enough there was a trolley with tiaras, wands and masks for sale. I have seen them all in the pound shop but they were more than that here.
“Ah well,” I thought, she’s a bit old at fourteen but it’s a panto, “OK.”
“I will have a silver one and a silver wand,” said Lauren.
“Pink for me,” chirped Rose.
“Do you want some Penny?” I shouted down the row. A shake of the head was the response.
Joining the panto-tat queue I worked my fingers into the small top pocket of my jacket where I had secreted the two tenners and retrieved one tenner. The change from the purchase was minimal and I then, with arms full, Cha Cha Charred my way through the throng back to our row of seats, handed out the booty and sat down.
“Can I have an ice cream granddad?” Rose chanted.
I got up again and took the ice cream order like a waiter. Four tubs; one choc, one strawberry and two vanilla. Rose offered to help me with the order but she had no longer got into the aisle than she had disappeared from view as young children tend to do. When I caught up with her she had annoyingly not joined the queue but was stood to one side. After only two or three minutes shuffling it was our turn; no strawberry! I took a gamble and ordered one choc and three vanilla. Rose took charge of her chocolate tub and disappeared into the crowd again. The usherette gave me a pathetic amount of change from my second tenner and again I Cha Charred up the aisle. One forward, two to the side, more like a chameleon than anything else until I reached our row once again and handed out the ice creams to the tiared princesses before sitting down again.
The band struck up and the lights dimmed then the curtain rose once more. A flash of primary colours and the pantomime was rolling on again. Lots of jokes, spoofs and tomfoolery took us along to the finale.
The end came all too soon and after the singing contest, left versus Right, then the result was judged a draw as it always is and then after that all the company assembled on stage with the chorus line first and the stars last as is the tradition.
After gathering all our things including the car booster seat that Rose used I gave them all some coins for the charity buckets and off we walked; or rather shuffled our way out.
After having dropped Eleanor off at home but keeping Lauren and Rose for a sleepover we headed home and got in at ten- forty. Penny gave them a drink of milk then took them upstairs to bed and I poured myself a malt whisky. I felt that I deserved one and it was wonderful.